What a Long StrangeTrip itsBeen inForman'sBasement
by sparki5150
Summary: This is my version of what should happen in the final episode of That 70's show. Warning: This document contains spoilers.


_**Opening: ** The gang is talking near the sliding glass door of the Forman's house. _

**Donna: **So, Jackie. You're dating Fez now. Three down, one to go, eh?

**Jackie: **Shut up, lumberjack. I'm with Fez. That's all that matters.

**Donna:** Randy is available, you could have him on the side, if you want.

**Jackie:** Why would anyone want that? He's worse than Eric. Yuck! Seriously Donna, you're taste in men is awful. I wish he would burst into flames.

_Flash to Randy's apartment. Randy is sitting on his recliner watching TV. He spontaneously combusts and dies an agonizing death. No one from the gang ever notices or cares because Randy sucks. _

**Donna:** It couldn't be as bad as Hyde running off to Las Vegas and ending up with that stripper slut.

_Flash to Sam walking down the highway because her ex-husband pushed her out of the car. An eighteen wheeler driven by the trucker who gave Kelso a ride to Jackie's parent's cabin smashes into her. She flies through the air, across a ditch, over a fence, and crashes through the window at Randy's apartment. She lands on Randy's flaming lap, bursts into flames and dies an agonizing death. No one from the gang ever notices or cares because Sam sucks too. _

**Jackie:** Donna, aren't you ever going to leave here. I thought you wanted to go to college and be all feminist and let you're armpit hair grow or something.

**Hyde:** Yeah Donna, man, you need to get out of here. Now's your chance. You always let something stop you. I'm starting to wonder if you really want to go anywhere.

**Fez:** Yes Donna, you should go. I would go to if not for my Jackie. She is the only reason I have decided not to return to my homeland.

_Fez smiles and looks deeply into Jackie's eyes. Fez leans in to kiss Jackie but is interrupted by Kitty as she runs through the sliding glass door._

**Kitty:** ERIC JUST CALLED AND HE'S COMING HOME!...

_Theme song plays._

_Fade in to Donna's bedroom. The room is in disarray. Boxes are stacked in the corners as Donna prepares to leave for college. Donna and Jackie sit on the edge of the bed. _

**Jackie:** So, are you excited that Eric's coming home?

**Donna:** Well, excited really isn't the right word. Um, more nauseous than excited I think.

**Jackie:** All I know is if Michael or Steven had broken up with me over the phone I'd be excited to see them. Then I could finally crush them with my bare hands. And you're big lumberjack hands would be no match for Eric's skinny little neck.

**Donna:** Yeah, but I really don't want revenge. All I really want is closure, but I'm not sure I can even have that. It's really going to be hard to go over there and see him again. I don't think that I can stand to be in the room with him. How do you get used to being in the room with your ex-boyfriends?

**Jackie:** Just do what I did with Michael and Steven: Start dating one of his best friends. Speaking of which, I'm going to make Fez take me to the water tower and make out.

_Jackie stands and turns toward the door _

**Jackie:** Come on Fez. Let's go.

_Fez enters the room from Donna's closet with a camera. He looks very disappointed. _

**Fez:** I thought you were kidding when you said you were just going to talk. You promised that you'd at least kiss Donna once.

**Jackie:** Well, look on the bright side. You're going to get to make out with me now.

_Fez smiles and jumps a little. _

**Jackie:** Come on Fez, lets get you some candy and go to the water tower.

**Fez:** Oh boy! CANDY!

_Fade in to the Point Place water tower. The tower has a marijuana leaf painted in dark green. Next to the leaf is written "Michael + Fez". Fez is written on a patch of white that shows that something else was once written there._

_Jackie enters by climbing up the ladder on the left followed by Fez. Jackie sees that her name has been covered over and is enraged. _

**Jackie:** Who would do this? I bet it was Steven. He's always been jealous of the relationship that I had with Michael.

**Fez:** I covered it over. You aren't with him anymore. I thought you would like to see that Michael was erased from your past. Kelso wrote that there when the two of you were broken up. Besides, now people will see it and think that Kelso is light in the pants. _(Jackie stares at Fez intently) _Because he is in love with such a lady's man. _(Fez snickers slightly)_ Good burn Fez.

**Jackie:** No! That's gone to far. I want your name gone from there. You had no right to destroy one of my memories. _(Jackie points her finger at Fez angrily) _You go and get something to get that paint off and put my name back! Now! _(Fez does not move) _ Fine. I'll do it.

_Jackie turns to leave as Fez tries to stop her by holding on to her hand. _

**Fez:** Wait Jackie. It isn't that bad. I thought you would think it was funny.

**Jackie:** Let go!

_Jackie pulls her arm from Fez's grip. She stumbles as she is released and teeters on the edge of the water tower. She reaches out to Fez, but cannot reach him and falls to the ground below. A dream sequence begins._

_The camera focuses in on an unconscious Jackie's face lying on a white leather couch. Jackie hears a familiar voice. _

**Voice:** Jackie...Jackie...wake up. Wake up! Ugh. JACKIE THERE'S A SALE ON CASHMERE SWEATERS!

_Jackie's eyes open with excitement. She sits up with a jolt and searches the room with her eyes. _

**Jackie:** Where! Where!

_Jackie sees a young woman sitting on a pedestal wearing a pink 'Cinderella' dress, long white gloves, and a tiara. Long, flowing wings adorn the back of the dress. _

**Jackie:** Who are you?

**Voice:** I'm your Fairy GodJackie.

**Jackie:** Of course! Who else could be my Fairy Godmother other than, ME!

**GodJackie:** I know! Isn't it great!

_GodJackie comes down and begins to hug Jackie and they both jump up and down squealing like school girls. Jackie stops and takes a serious tone. _

**Jackie:** Oh my God! Do I get three wishes?

**GodJackie:** No, I'm afraid not. I think you know why I've brought here.

**Jackie:** _(Gasp) _ Am I dying?

**GodJackie:** No, worse. You're dating a…I can't even say it. A...a...foreigner! Eeewwwww!

**Jackie:** I've recently realized that Fez isn't just a foreigner. He's good looking. He's sweet. He worships me...

**GodJackie:** He's poor. He barely speaks English. He isn't even popular. He washes women's hair for a living! He's the kind of person who should be in love with you from far, far away. He's everything that you've spent you whole life hating. _(Sarcastic)_ If you were going to settle for something that low you should have stayed with Steven.

**Jackie:** You're right...what have I been thinking. I've got to talk to Steven.

**GodJackie:** No! That's not what I meant. You need to go back to Michael. Remember, physical beauty...that lasts forever. Steven is a loser. He's poor trash. He'll never amount to anything.

**Jackie:** Don't you talk about Steven like that. Steven is going to be rich. His Dad is rich and someday, he'll die. Then Steven will have enough money for me. Besides, he's managing a record store. He can take care of me.

**GodJackie:** Steven isn't good enough for you. Even if he had money, he's just not right for you.

**Jackie:** I know what to do now Fairy Godme. Thank you. I'll never forget you.

_Jackie runs from the room in an attempt to leave Godjackie's domain. _

**GodJackie:** Don't you leave here Jackie! You should be with Michael! It is your destiny! You can't change anything!

_The dream sequence ends. The camera focuses on Jackie's unconscious face. Hyde appears looking down over Jackie. _

**Hyde:** Jackie! Wake up! Are you ok?

_Hyde attempts to perform CPR on Jackie as she wakes slowly. Jackie embraces him. _

**Jackie:** Oh Steven!

_The image of Hyde turns to Fez. Jackie realizes that she was dreaming. _

**Jackie:** Fez! What are you doing?

**Fez:** Are you alright?

**Jackie:** I'm fine! Get off me you perv.

**Fez:** Oh! It has never felt so good to be called that by you my darling. I'm sorry for painting over your name. I shouldn't have done it.

**Jackie:** Fez, forget about that. I've got something more important to do now. Oh, right. Umm…I'm sure its been fun for you to date me, but my Fairy Godme just told me what to do.

**Fez:** Fairy Godme. Have you been in the circle without me?

**Jackie:** No, Fez. I have to go back to Steven and make him forgive me. I know you'll never get over me, but you need to try. Listen Fez, you don't really want to be with me. I'm shallow. I'm vane. I'm, well, I'm a bitch.

**Fez:** I know. But I have loved you for so long...I don't...

**Jackie:** Tell you what...I'll let you hide in my closet three days a week. I'll even get you in to Donna's room again.

**Fez:** I can't settle for that...You must choose between me and Hyde.

_Jackie stares at Fez. _

**Fez:** Oh, I see. Good day...

_Fez turns to leave. _

**Jackie:** But Fez!

**Fez:** I said good day you back stabbing whore! There is nothing for me here now. I will go back to my homeland.

_Fade to black._

_The basement. One week has passed. Hyde is sitting in his chair watching Gilligan's Island. Gilligan's theme song plays in the background. The basement door opens and Eric enters. Hyde doesn't notice. Eric throws a large brown sack on Hyde's lap. _

**Eric:** One bag of the finest you have ever had. Just as ordered.

**Hyde:** Hey, Forman man. You're back! _(Looks into the sack. The sack gives off a green glow). _Whoa. _(Begins to cry.)_ That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life. _(Embraces Eric in a hug.)_ How did you get this on the plane?

**Eric: ** You don't even want to know!

_Hyde and Eric rush to the table and begin preparations to smoke._

_The Forman's living room. Red and Kitty are waiting for Eric to arrive from the airport. Kitty is nervously cleaning and re-cleaning in anticipation of Eric's arrival. Red sits calmly reading the newspaper. Bob enters from the kitchen_

**Bob: **Hey neighbor. You guys getting all packed?

**Red: **Not now Bob. Can't you see that Kitty is having a lady parts problem.

**Kitty: **Red Forman! Does this look like I'm having a 'lady parts' problem to you?

_Kitty holds up two empty wine bottles and one full one._

**Red: **Fine. Then you won't mind if I cut you off.

_Red snatches the bottle from Kitty._

**Kitty:** Where is he Red? His plane landed over an hour ago. _(Afraid) _Do you think it crashed?

**Bob: **I'll go pick him up if you want Kitty. I'm done packin'.

**Red: **Shut up Bob.

**Bob:** Aw, geeze.

**Red: **Now Kitty, he'll be fine. He's probably just gotten lost. He never was very good at directions.

**Kitty:**_ (Crying) _I just want to see my little boy! _(Angry) _Why didn't you go and pick him up? Then he'd already be here.

**Red:** Now see what you did Bob? Listen Kitty, he insisted on taking a taxi. Something about manhood and responsibility. Then he started babbling on about Luke Skywalker, who ever the hell that is. So, I hung up on him. He can be such a dumbass.

**Bob:** Anyway, Red. I've got an offer on the house. I'm going to take it. When is escrow going to close on your house?

**Red:** Well, the offer we had fell through. That SOB was going to paint the house brown. Can you believe that? Brown.

**Bob: **OK. Don't you think you're being a little overprotective?

**Red: **I thought I told you to shut up, Bob.

**Bob: ** How soon do you think that you'll be able to see this place? I can't wait to move to Florida.

**Red: **I'm not sure Bob. I really can't find someone to buy it for the price we're asking. If Eric could afford it I'd sell it to him.

_The doorbell rings. Kitty runs to answer it. Donna enters the room. _

**Kitty: **Oh, what the hell are you doing here? You're not Eric! Don't you know I'm waiting for Eric?

**Donna: ** Wouldn't he just come in and not knock? Anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye to the two of you. I'm leaving for Madison. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye.

**Kitty:** You aren't going to say anything to Eric?

**Donna:** Well, I think he said everything he needed to say on the phone. I just wanted to talk to the two of you. You've been a second set of parents to me...and I appreciate it. Mrs. Forman when my Mom left you helped me through it and I couldn't have gotten over it without you.

**Kitty: **Well, thank you Donna. You've always been like the daughter I never had.

**Donna: ** But you have a daughter.

_Kitty laughs her signature laugh _

**Kitty:** Well, dear, we don't like to talk about that.

_Kitty laughs her signature laugh again _

**Kitty:** I think you should wait. You need closure so that you can go on with your life. I mean come on. Look at the boy you've been seeing. He's such a loser. I'm glad he burst into flames.

_Donna looks puzzled. _

**Donna: **I've made up my mind Mrs. Forman. I'm just going to go say goodbye to Hyde. Thanks for everything.

**Red: **Donna, for what it's worth Eric is not even close to good enough for you. He's, well, he's an idiot. I'm sure things will be great for you in college. I am glad that you were here to be one of Eric's moron friends. Always hanging around. Never leaving. Eating our food. It was great.

_There is a moment of uncomfortable silence. Donna looks around nervously. _

**Red:** So, there's no chance of you helping us pack then?

_Donna smiles and giggles._

_Donna walks down the basement stairs. Hyde and Eric jump when they hear her footsteps. Eric stands at the base of the stairs as Donna enters the basement. Donna stops on the last step. Eric and Donna stare at each other. _

**Donna:** Eric! You're home.

**Eric: **Donna. You're still here. When we talked on the phone you said that you were going to go to college.

**Donna:** I am. I was just coming to say goodbye to Hyde.

**Eric: **But you told me that you had already been accepted. You were going to enroll last semester. That's the whole reason that I said that we shouldn't be together. I didn't want you staying here waiting for me.

**Donna:** Don't be so full of yourself Eric. I wasn't waiting for you. I had some other things happen that I wanted to explore.

**Hyde: **Some very unpleasant, wavy haired, man slut things.

**Donna: ** Hyde if you're referring to Randy, I was only seeing how things could be with other people. Besides, Eric dumped me. I can see who ever I want.

**Eric: **I didn't dump you Donna. I set you free. I didn't want you rotting in this town waiting for me when you should be off building your life. You have a real future Donna. I just didn't want to stand in your way.

**Donna:** You weren't in my way Eric. Anyway, you should probably go upstairs. I think your mom is going to explode in a few minutes if she doesn't get to see you.

**Eric: **No, I don't think that I'm ready for that yet. How about another circle?

_Donna, Eric, and Hyde sit down to the table. The scene changes to the Forman's living room. There is a knock at the door. _

**Kitty:** ERIC'S HOME! ERIC'S HOME!

_Kitty runs to the door and throws it open. Kelso is waiting on the other side of the door. _

**Kelso:** Hello Mrs. Forman. Is Eric home yet?

**Red: **Oh good, another freeloader is back. Just what we needed.

**Kitty: ** Don't you have a home! I thought you moved to Chicago. Don't you realize that I'm waiting for my son to come home?

**Kelso: ** Wow, Mrs. Forman. I haven't been yelled at like that for no reason since Jackie yelled at me when I did it with Pam Macy. Ah, good times. I'll have you know that Hyde called me to tell me that Eric was coming home. I was invited.

**Kitty: **Fine. Steven's downstairs. Get out!

_Kitty slams the door in Kelso's face. Kelso goes to the back entrance to the basement and enters to find Eric, Donna, and Hyde in the circle. _

**Kelso:** Eric! Your back. Dude you seriously need to go and talk to your mom. She's loosing it. She doesn't even remember you coming back and talking to her man.

_Kelso takes his seat in the circle. _

**Eric:** I haven't been upstairs yet.

**Kelso:** Burn! Your mom won't ever forgive you for that dude. She's seriously freakin' out.

_The basement door opens. Leo enters and sits on the couch next to Eric. _

**Leo:** _(looking at Eric)_ Randy, you cut your hair. You look different man. You look like that other dude. The one that used to date that girl. Good idea man. She never stopped talking about him. He's gone to be in the peace corps in New Jersey or something and she's acting like he went to Africa.

**Eric:** No, Leo. It's me. Eric. And I did go to Africa.

**Leo: ** Far out man. Where did Randy go? I never liked that dude. He took off to Africa and broke up with Donna.

**Eric: ** No Leo. That was me, Eric.

**Leo: **No dude. You'd never do something like that. That's low man.

**Eric: **I didn't break up with her. I set her free so that she wouldn't have to worry about me and when I was coming back.

**Leo: **Wow Randy. You cut your hair dude.

**Eric: **Yes Leo. Yes I did.

**Leo: **Far out man. If you see Eric tell him I said hello. I'm going to take a nap man.

_Leo exits up the stairs to the Forman's house. Fez enters through the basement door. _

**Fez: **Great news! I broke up with that midget Jackie. Then I was walking through the mall and crying and I came to my favorite candy store. There was sign for part time help. I got the job. Now I have my two perfect careers. Eating candy, and touching a lady's hair.

**Eric:** Good job Fez. Aim high buddy.

**Fez: **Thank you Eric. Eric! You're home. How was Africa?

**Eric: ** Great Fez. Thanks. What happened with Jackie?

**Fez: **She fell off the water tower. I went to rescue her and she started kissing me, and saying, "Oh Steven". So I said, "Enough, whore. You choose me or him." She didn't choose me, so I left.

_There is a loud bang from upstairs. _

**Kitty:** _(From upstairs, muffled) _"WHERE IS HE?"

**Eric: **I guess I'd better go upstairs. She's going to blow soon.

_Eric leaves through the basement door. Donna follows. _

**Hyde: **So let me get this straight. Jackie was kissing you and talking about me.

**Fez: **Yes. She is still in love with you.

_Jackie enters through the basement door. _

**Jackie: **Steven, can we talk?

**Hyde: **I don't think we have anything to talk about.

**Jackie: ** Please Steven. Just talk to me for ten minutes and I'll leave you alone forever.

**Hyde: **Fine. Ten minutes

_Jackie and Hyde exit through the basement door. Fez notices the TV. _

**Fez: **Oooo! Gilligan! I love this show.

_Fez sits on the couch and puts his feet up to watch the show. _

_Later that night the gang has gathered in the basement for one last night together. _

**Kelso:** I've decided that I'm going to move out to California and be on Broadway like Midge. That's my future. So, what's the deal here? Are you guys back together or what?

**Donna:** No. We're just friends. I think that's what we were meant to be.

**Eric: **What about you two Hyde?

**Jackie:** We've decided to let things work out however they work out. No pressure. We'll just see what happens.

**Hyde: **So anyway, they have this car that runs on water, man! The government doesn't want you to know about it man...

_Fade to black. An older Donna appears sitting at a computer. The camera focuses on the computer screen. The screen reads, "How I met my husband, by Donna Forman." An older Eric is sitting across the room reading the paper. Twenty-seven years has passed. _

**Eric:** Wow! I can't believe it. He really won. Those people out in California really will elect anybody.

_The camera focuses on the newspaper. Kelso is pictured on the front page holding a sign that says, "Kelso for Governor." _

**Donna:** I know, first Arnold, now Kelso. Kelso said that politicians are always hot, no matter how old they get. That state will never survive. Anyway, are you ready to go? Jackie's going to be pissed if we're late to the wedding.

**Eric:** Yeah, I know. Fez told me to be on time too. He said that if his best man was late he would cut me off from his candy store.

**Donna:** I still think she's too young. I mean really, what do Hyde and Jackie think about Fez marrying their daughter?

_Donna and Eric walk through the front door of Eric's childhood home. Fade to black. _


End file.
